“The less we are noticed the more we become, to be is not to be”. I Write the words on my screen while i think about the paradox of structure and chaos. One of the three primary paradoxes in existence as described by my teacher; Hermes Mercurius Trismegistus. I think of the cold shower i took yesterday and the feeling it gave me. I felt a tingling sensation all evening across my entire body, like energy had been absorbed through the skin itself. My friend said i was nuts and i should be careful not to catch hypothermia. He doesn’t understand the satisfaction i get from training my resistance. They just can’t see through the darkness of pain and suffering to notice the rewards beyond. All they can do instead is to mimic the behaviour of those who have been there before, making society nothing more than a bad copy of individualism. Things won’t work that way, i already know. I understand the laws of hermeticism far too well to become connected to a colony or an order. Every interaction i have with one of these groups gives me new insight and new information. Shapes me a bit more, until i have encountered them all. Until i am prima materia and i’ve collected all the ingredients to change myself into whatever i desire. Carefully i move through these masses, like i am walking through a grocery store. I pick my ingredients like i am cooking a meal. No one can see that amidst the chaos of my social life, a new structure is rising. I call it Avitas, my reflective side. Not who people expect or want me to be, but what i am and what i want to become. It’s kingsday today… Long live the king, the greatest slave and tyrant of the people. As i sit here hidden in my own lair, i know what i am. A kingslayer, a man who does not bow down. A man who empties thrones and fights for freedom, for i know there is only one who deserves to take that seat. There is only one king, and he is no longer among us. Betrayed by those he loved, tortured by those he led and crucified by those he had already beaten. Like the famous general Sun Tzu mentioned in the art of war:”Every battle is won before it is fought, the supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting”. I’ll never surrender, no matter how much pressure i may endure. Maybe it’s a malfunction in my brains, but i don’t see it that way. An animal doesn’t recognize our authority as legal, so i guess nature has a different opinion. Who should i listen to? Nature or the people who rely on nature? This is simply not a democracy, a larger hierarchy governs our future. There is one simple rule; no one likes competition unless the odds are in our favor. As i write these words i have learned a pattern leading towards exponential personal growth. It has become an addiction of mine to pursue that pattern, as most of the things in my life pretty much became an obsession this is just a sum of many. Or maybe this is the sum of all, since i started after the stress of a normal life became too much for me. Something just snapped and i changed my entire environment. This house doesn’t look the same anymore either. Everything around me is in constant movement while i mold my mind and body in such a way my spirit has completely expressed itself. I’ve been lost in my own imagination for such a long time i am practically a stranger in this world. At least i’m getting closer to the edge now and the tables are about to turn in my favor. In the past few days i’ve learned a lot about different types of dream state and the fact i am probably able to access these states of consciousness without going to sleep. I can also clearly understand the difference between those two types, the one that calculates and the one that simulates. I wonder if these two states form a paradox as well? They probably do. The more i become aware of these two states and the advantage proper use of both give a man the more i become obsessed with it. There is no way back.

 “Once you have set foot on this path, thou shalt see it everywhere” -Hermes Mercurius Trismegistus.

No more reflections, just a single man on a journey in a land he has never seen before. An open mind and an eye for detail make this world even more extraordinary. He’s been in a deserted place for so long it’s a bit overwhelming. However it would be a mistake to consider this world as safe, there are always enemies lurking waiting to strike. Without friends enemies is all you have., confrontations are needed to forge alliances. Although this world is new to Sativa, he knows it’s filled with war. He’s nothing but a grain or sand on a chessboard. Only by knowing what you are and what you are up against you can create a plan that works. There is no plan anymore, nor a sense of direction either. Just progress and determination, all other things have been lost somewhere along the road. Even his heart is slowly slipping away into a deep sleep waiting to be revived again. It’s for the best now, a tough road lies ahead. No one ever promised this would be easy, only rewarding. It’s not like Sativa’s hoping to be rewarded for anything, he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. All things have been arranged a long time ago, thousands of years before he was born. The only road to heaven is straight through hell. At least he knows the way leading towards it, even in a strange world. It has everything to do with the underworld, the center of our planet. Where pressure is so huge it transforms lead into gold. The more pressure the better, and in this world all things are possible. Who he is is limited by who he thinks he is. He stares at the trees at the side of the path for a minute. The leaves tell a story of perfection, not a single sign of lack of nutrients or any form of disease. The path leading through this dense forest is like none he has seen before, made from small cobblestones which makes the landscape look as if it escaped from a fairy tale. It’s a pity to walk through such a romantic world without someone to share it with, but i guess all he would do is carry a future sacrifice with him. It’s easier to walk the most difficult paths alone, it protects us from losing our most precious friends and relatives. Especially this road, going straight through the fire. It’s what war is, a fire spreading amongst people like it would in a dry forest. And while the entire planet crumbles under its weight and populations burn in the wildfire the ones sitting on the throne laugh and dance. There is no greater evil on the planet. There is always a throne and there shall always be rules, if he has to he will conquer them all and end all conflict. It sounds a bit far fetched, maybe it is… It doesn’t matter anymore, he made a vow and his intentions are to stick by it until god decides his fate. He doesn’t even consider his life as a personal property any longer, he gave it away for a higher cause. It sounds like a bit of a last resort, but it’s more like he always knew but resisted and finally gave in to that which he could not avoid any longer. Destiny awaits and the time of denial is finished. Opinions don’t matter anymore, only protecting and serving truth. That which they hide from us to keep us divided and in constant doubt, unaware of what we truly are. A small bird flies toward a twig near him and he stares at the bird for a moment. It has brown small feathers and is not much larger than the average baseball. He suddenly notices there isn’t many wildlife around, there must be a good reason for it. “Could be humans nearby”, he thinks. Better be careful. He decides to leave the path and walk beside it, about 20 metres away in case he comes across a potential enemy. Like a tiger he sneaks through the dense vegetation, keeping his body as low as possible to avoid being spotted from a distance. It slows him down, but raises his defense enormously. He thinks of all the things his reflection taught him;”less movement, more focus”. In only a few minutes his entire character changes from a normal human into some kind of predator. A hunter scouting for potential prey instead of a potential prey waiting to be scouted by a hunter. For a minute he freezes and closes his eyes, focussing on the background sounds to see if he can hear any disturbing details in it. At first he hears countless of sounds; birds whistling, the wind rushing through the trees, his own breath… He tries to ignore the basic sounds and looks for something which doesn’t really fit the picture. O better yet, for a sound that doesn’t quite fit the melody. The more he focusses the stranger the sounds that penetrate his hearing. A horn calling in the distance, a branch falling from a tree, and a strange squeaking sound… It takes a few seconds before he can place it, but it sounds like a wheels of a wagon approaching. He increases his attention on the sound of the wheels, pushing all other sounds back. Some footsteps as well, could be the hooves of a horse. He slowly crouches in the direction where the sound comes from while trying to stay out of sight as best as he can. Slow movement combined with flexibility is the key, stay as low as possible and as slow as possible. Or as the ancient philosopher and writer of the Tao Te Ching would state:”Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished”. In his mind the ambush has already been accomplished. While he slowly approaches his target his mind simulates countless options and possibilities, as if it is looking through a manual to find the best possible answer. But nothing can be determined until he gets a slight glimpse of his prey. Only then his mind can pick a final plan of attack based on visual details. At first he sees the two horses pulling the wagon slowly rising in the distance, meaning he has an uphill advantage. It’ll give his arrow a bit more reach than those of the enemy. The sun is in his back, so the sight of the enemy has a disadvantage as well. Those two factors combined create a perfect circumstance for an arrow ambush. In one smooth flexible move he stretches his right leg through the handle of his crossbow while he pulls back the string. He grabs an arrow from the leather bag he carries across his shoulder and drops it on the slide with the back against the string. His eyes aren’t even looking at the bow, but constantly in the direction of the potential danger. It’s all a routine which he practiced over and over again. Slowly he moves the bow in the direction of the target, until he get’s a slight glimpse of the person driving the carriage. A women with dark long hair sits on top of it, holding the strings which control the horses. This changes his plans, he isn’t here to kill any women or children. He only needs to eliminate threats, and so far the level of danger cannot be determined yet. A personal confrontation has to determine the outcome. He quickly ties a rope around the tip of the arrow before he shoots the projectile across the road into a tree on the other side. The other end is tied across a tree next to him to block the road and force the horses to stop. Quickly he gathers a pile of dry leaves and throws one of the in the air to decide the direction from which the wind is coming. “Perfect”, he whispers while he pours a bit of fluid across the pile of leaves and a bit on one of his arrows, then he rushes ahead to make sure he will be positioned at the back of the wagon when it stops. He load his crossbow again with the arrow he just poured some fluid on and ignites it as soon as he approaches the vehicle. A small blue flame crawls across the tip while he points it towards the pile of dry leaves a few kilometres ahead. A dry click escapes the weapon while the arrow rushes towards its destination. A perfect hit, smoke rises from the pile in a mere second and the wind slowly carries it towards the path. He can hear the horses stopping and the women’s surprised reaction as she instantly get’s surrounded by the smoke. This is his signal. In a few seconds he rushes towards the vehicle and checks the back. “It’s empty, she is traveling alone as it seems. He moves to the front and discovers she has pulled a short knife to defend herself with. The thing is about the size of an adult hand and a bit rusty. “Best to put that thing away miss, you could hurt yourself”, he smiles towards her as she looks at him with a cautious but curious look. “Who are you and what is this? Take what you want but leave me alone”, she reacts with a sense of fear in her voice. “Don’t worry about the show, i had to take some precautions in case you were carrying company”, he responds and she takes on a less cautious position and puts the knife away. “Well then, how can i help you on this hot summer afternoon”. “Some information and a ride would be excellent, i have no sense of where i am heading and no idea where i am”, he answers with a serious look. “Most of my memories must have disappeared, since i can only remember my name and a few symbols”, he quickly adds in an attempt to avoid any suspicion. No one should know he isn’t from around here, it would make things too complicated. He puts his hand in his left pocket and takes a piece of paper out of it with a sign of a six pointed star. “Have you seen this before?”, he asks the women while she stares at the intriguing symbol. “I don’t know, i think…”, she whispers while she seems to be overwhelmed by it’s appearance. “Are you an alchemist?”. “I couldn’t say miss, i have my memory issue. I’m just trying to find out who i was before this happened. There has to be some place which i may call home”. His face doesn’t give away any emotion and he looks as if he is playing a game of poker. “I don’t take any strangers along usually, but you’ve catched my interest. Take a seat sir, i can take you to my home and we could talk some more. You’re welcome to stay for the night if you wish”. Sativa thanks her for her hospitality and takes a seat up front next to her. “Are there any enemies ahead i should be aware of?” She laughs while the carriage slowly starts moving forward. “I can definitely tell you’re not from around here, this is a rather peaceful place. But perhaps you could shoot a nice meal along the way so we have some extra meat for dinner”. “He nods at her while he takes an arrow from his quiver and reloads his crossbow. “To your place then miss”, he responds while he smiles at her. She looks attractive and seems to have a very open personality. They spend the rest of the afternoon talking about the landscape and the people in this part of the world. He has so much to learn before he is able to continue his quest. While the sun slowly fades away and his sense of awareness drops in the presence of such charming company two eyes stare at him from another world, watching his steps closely. He can feel it, but he tries to ignore the thought of his former master. For a moment everything seems so perfect, no war, no enemies, no more constant threats. As they reach the small house the women lives in the sun has almost dropped entirely. It’s a fragile looking construction with walls made from large stones held together by sticks and ropes. The roof is made of branches with leaves covered with sand to make sure it doesn’t blow away. “I know, it’s not a palace but i am alone for a long time now and i don’t have the ability to build something better”. She looks a bit embarrassed about the state of her house. “The inside looks better”, the women opens the wooden door and invites him to take a look inside. It looks alot better then the exterior of the house. Definitely the work of a woman's touch. The walls are dressed with rugs, displaying different geometrical patterns. It’s about four by five meters in size, not large but enough for a single person to live in. In the corner a big wool cloth filled with some kind of soft material seems to function as a matras and she invites him to take a seat on it. In front of them is a small improvised fireplace from rocks and clay and against the right side a small table holds a few cups and a candle. “It’s a long time since i had any visitors”, she whispers, ”You can sleep with me if you wish”. He stares at her for a moment, her long dark red hairs reach her shoulders and her body has nice female curves. She wears a black tight dress with a red scarf wrapped around her neck loosely. It’s been awhile since he has spend the night with a women as well, almost a year now. Maybe he shouldn’t, the desire to domesticate is too strong and can be like a pool of quicksand. Easy to get stuck in it, but once it catches you it doesn’t let you go so easy. “I never catched your name miss”, he responds to avoid any awkward silences. “I’m Janet, i could ask for yours but i assume it’s lost with the rest of your memories. Maybe we should give you a name”, she responds while she managed to lit a fire in the improvised fireplace. Janet takes a seat next to him and fills two of the small wooden cups on the table with a red liquor from a bottle underneath it. “Take this, it’s cherry wine”. He grabs the cup and for a moment their fingers touch each other and a strange feeling rushes through his body. “I don’t need a name to define who i am”, Sativa says while he looks into her eyes. “Maybe i need one to remember”, she whispers while she slowly moves her face towards him. He closes his eyes and the only thing he can think of are the soft lips touching his neck and her slow breath near his ears. This will be a night to remember.
I open a can of soda while staring at the last few sentences of the story i just wrote. It took me quite some time to finish it, more than i usually need. I guess something was keeping me occupied, or someone… Would it surprise you if i’d say i never wrote anything which wasn’t based on truth? It’s probably the best foundation to build fiction on, something to hang on to. The women was really there, and the fireplace as well. It had a better state than the one inside my dreams, but the story ends the same way. A night to remember… I have to move on since i have quite the journey ahead of me. It’s very obvious this isn’t the part of the story where things end with a happily ever after, but for a moment time froze and there was no story any longer. Or maybe it just begins, since i also have a memory issue to solve. I do remember my name though, i am Avitas and i am writing a story. My mind has been stuck inside a dreamworld for a long time and i feel like i finally woke up from a deep sleep. I am not ste student, i am the teacher. Don’t ask me how this has happened, i may have fooled around a bit too much with strategy and mental influence. Fact is, i am here and i am reshaping myself. Complicated philosophical and strategical codes of progress and deterioration constantly flow through my mind, balancing the scales. I haven’t even got a plan, since i have a lot of understanding about the rhythm of natural patterns and i trust in the progress i make based on them. Many people would think i am just fooling around, they barely have the ability to calculate towards the end of the road. Their conclusions are very limited based on lack of understanding. I am safe here, since my being is to complicated to be fully analyzed. I will never be predictable in the eyes of those who have a limited vision. Like in previous experiences i have learned the more complicated a plan becomes the lesser the chances somebody will see through them. Mine are in constant motion, never the same. I am in constant motion as well, stuck on the Pattern as described in the Emerald tablets. Ups and downs to perform the miracle of growth and deterioration. But it’s not where it ends, we are surrounded by paradoxes and the more we see the more we can control. In every balanced paradox we will find a new miracle, a pattern of opposites dancing around each other for eternity. This is chapter eight now, out of a series of twenty-four. A new structure is rising from the chaos, one which has been hidden for many years. I should not be here, but i am. All things are possible, who we are is limited by who we think we are. All these small groups of humans are not formed by any borders or cultural backgrounds, but simply by a common belief system. It creates mutual friends, mutual enemies, shared limitations and personal identity. My belief has no limitations, only foundations on which i can practically build anything i desire. We are not the same, as long as i am the opposite. Instead of thinking in limitations i think of possibilities. What is fiction today could be reality tomorrow since it creates a wave of inspiration and creativity. After all, what we consider to be real is nothing more than an expression of our imagination. Do you still have some imagination which has never been expressed? Does it lie beyond the borders of what you think is possible? I dare you to cross the line. To let go of all the things that keep you restrained and be who you truly are. Stop thinking about the things you have learned so far and start imagining how much there is still left to discover. Stop thinking about who you once were and what you have lost but start thinking about what you can gain and who you can become. To be is realizing who you are not. Every broken dream shall be replaced by a bit of reality and every change in reality will affect your dreams. I used to be Sativa, now i am Avitas. That`s all i can say for now. What that means? You will find out soon.
“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star”.- Friedrich Nietzsche